Yup, I'm a slacker

I know it and you know it. Im not great at this blogging thing. Atleast I know where my strengths lie.


FAR AWAY FROM HERE.


Can you even consider this a blog if you don’t post more often than I have been guilty of lately? Obviously this isn’t something I have ever done before but I mean geez. I need to get back to this or just close it down.


As you may have imagined, posting to the blog was starting to get a little monotonous for me – and I am sure for you all as well. Not because of anything bad. But because everything was so GOOD it didn’t exactly make for interesting posts. Does that make sense? How sad it is that we (myself included) have been so conditioned to think that the only thing worth reading (or writing) is the uber exciting or unimaginably horrible. Average day-to-day activities just don’t excite anyone.


But I guess in my case it SHOULD.


How quickly I have gotten used to this new life. I’m going to be honest – I hardly think about what I have been through anymore. I am more focused on other things and other people’s struggle. I guess that’s a good thing. But sometimes I don’t even think about it until I am meeting new people. And usually I am not the one making a big deal out of it. I guess that just shows the impact it really did make on others. I still find it odd to think of it as a big deal. Cause I mean it was, but when you approach something that big and you don’t really have any other options it just sorta is what it is. And I guess because everything has been so EASY in terms of recovery…I guess it just seem like a big deal to me anymore. I know it was, but its hard to think of it like that anymore. In my mind it seems as routine as an appendectomy. In truth, I think when my appendix ruptured years ago the recovery from that was more painful and left me in “recovery mode” far longer. Now this transplant is just something that happened. Its done with, over. I’m just focused on moving on.


Sometimes I feel bad about that. Like I should be more conscience of what I went through and focus on it and my donor more. That’s not to say I don’t. I still have a point every day where that man – whoever he is – goes through my mind. But its no longer the consuming thoughts I used to have. I will never be able to express my gratitude to this man, but to dwell on him seems odd to me. I feel like he didn’t make the decision to donate his organs for the recipient to just sit around and dwell on him and not live. If it were me I would want the person who got my heart or my lungs or whatever organ they to LIVE.


And I plan on doing just that.


Im taking this part of him everywhere I go. I always know he’s there, just no longer at the forefront anymore. He’s along for the ride. Our lives will forever be intertwined, but this is still my life. A life I am still living because of him, but my life nonetheless.


So, all that being said - lets back up a bit and recap.


May was CF awareness month. Of all the things for me not to post about. Honestly. I am a sorry excuse for a CF advocate. I did lots on Facebook, but still. Oh well. What can I do now?


I also had a small hiccup and was in the hospital for a few days. Luckily this time I was not in for ANYTHING lung related. Of all the times I have been in the hospital this is the FIRST time I have not had to be on oxygen. It was the STRANGEST thing. I kept thinking something wasn’t right, like I was missing something. It was a fantastic feeling to be honest. I almost forgot all the issues I have cause it was such a NORMAL hospital stay (is there one of those??). Of course until the nurse comes in to give me pain meds or change out my IV and shes dressed from head to toe in the oh-so-lovely contact precaution yellow gowns, face mask and gloves! Then I was like “oh yeah.” Still technically “sick” I guess that will never not be the case, huh?


Like I said though, the issues I was having was female in nature if you get my drift. Without being to graphic (I can’t believe I actually wrote that here on this blog!), I have several issues with my reproductive system that causes tremendous pain and an amount of blood loss that actually caused me to need a blood transfusion while I was there. Obviously, anytime you have to have blood products as a transplant recipient there are tremendous risks involved. You can catch various things from donor blood, normally most isn’t an issue but with my almost-non-existent immune system, complications can arise. So its usually considered a last resort. But my blood work came back and all my numbers had tanked so it was necessary. Since the cause of these issues is still present I will be talking to Mayo when I go next to discuss more “permanent” fixes. Not sure exactly what that’s going to be as of yet, but the words “partial hysterectomy” were mentioned. I can’t have a blood transfusion every time I get a period so we’re having to go a little more extreme than others might have to. More on that topic once I know more.


So, on to June.


I would like to take this time to apologize to the graduating class of 2013 from Albemarle High School in Albemarle, North Carolina. Bless your hearts.


In case you didn’t know, someone had the brilliant idea of inviting ME to be the keynote speaker for my alma mater’s graduation this year. I know. I know.


Well, let’s just say it was prolly 1) not what the administration assumed I would speak about 2) they will likely never have another speaker like that ever again, and 3) I can say that because I am pretty certain they will never as me back and no one else is ridiculous enough to give the speech I did.


Let me be clear – I don’t THINK it was bad. I mean luckily I didn’t cuss a room full of children, parents and grandparents out and quite frankly that was a huge concern of mine. Turns out there was like a pool going to see how many cuss words I would let loose. Not sure if that was just a joke when I was told that, but I wouldn’t have taken that bet that’s for sure.


Still, when your mom counts how many times you used the word crap in a speech, there is prolly a little something lacking.


Just want to say I tried people. You took your chance – hope it wasn’t terrible for everyone.


I was a nervous freakin wreck with this mess. Turns out I’ll never be a motivational speaker!! Thanks to my sister who provided a little “liquid encouragement” in the parking lot I was able to get on stage and not lose it. Don’t get it twisted – it was just a SMALL encouragement. Maybe shouldn’t have mentioned that here, but what can they do to me. I wasn’t paid to do that so the only real thing they can do is not ask me back which, let’s be honest, prolly wasn’t gonna happen anyway.


I’m such an ass. Most people would get on here and speak about what an honor it was (which it actually was) to be asked to speak, and give their congratulations to the Seniors (which I do), but as you can see my focus is always just a little off. Sorta like my speech.

Jillian and I before I embarrassed my self.


*SIGH*


Anyway.


After that nightmare came our annual “Fam Jam” at Daytona Beach. Every year for as long as I can remember my family on my mother’s side as decended upon unsuspecting Daytona to wreak havoc on its beaches and in its bars. This year was no exception. Except that this year was a little different for me. Every year I have been since I moved down here has been fairly miserable for me. I am either just getting out of the hospital before, or right after the week is done I am IN the hospital. Quite frankly it was just annoying. And forget about me having a great time. I could hardly ever breathe, and toting around oxygen poolside is not exactly anyone’s idea of a good time. I was exhausted all the time, and walking from my room to the beach seemed like walking across country.

 

Sunnin poolside (and yes I am wearing like 55 SPF)
 

Unfortunate Karaoke evening 1

Ahhh..beach time

You can BARELY see my port anymore cause of all the FLESHY-NESS..

.do YOU know where it is?

Trying to act like I know what I am doing with a camera

 

Poolside refreshments

Typical FL weather....daily storm, like clockwork at 5pm

CORN HOLE

MASTERS OF THE BAGS

My sexy cousin Fat Jacob (love you boo ;) )

Pool, beach, cowboy hat, GOT LUNGS coozie, and a Coors Light? Sounds like

a good vacation to me.

Ummmm....

DAYTONA BEACH BABY

My glorious (and newly engaged) cuzzo Carly and I...typical

(check out her blog www.howdairyyou.com )

Last year I was only at Daytona for two days. Most of my time was spent going through my evaluation at Mayo. How crazy is that? How DIFFERENT everything has become in less than a year. I honestly was sorta thinking that last year was gonna be my last year going, which is why I went at all. Just to go one last time. Guess God had other plans! J

This year was a blast. I could walk and run. Unload my car all by myself. Haul things to and from my room with little to no effort. I even walked for what seemed like miles down the road from one bar to another one night. You can FORGET about that happening in previous years. I know – this doesn’t exactly seem like “exciting” accomplishments. But I’m telling you – unloading the car and pushing a heavy ass cart full of my crap across the parking lot and up to my room with no help was damn near a thrill for me.


The little things. Doesn’t take much does it?


 Now we are into July. Lot's more to come, and even more to update you guys on - including my most recent Mayo Clinic visit - but you'll hafta check back later for all that.



Hope everyone is having a great summer! XO

What a weekend...

This weekend I headed over to Daytona with some pretty awesome people to celebrate and welcome home Tommy Danger after an incredible endeavour:

The man RAN from Seattle to Daytona Beach. All in the name of cystic fibrosis.

When I first heard of this campaign I was not sure if I should be impressed or worried for his mental health. Turns out neither impressed or worried adequetly describes the More Than Just Miles campaign.

Cause thats EXACTLY what this was: MORE. More than just Tommy Danger. More than just the duo of Tommy and Timothy Ettridge sleeping in their van in a Walmart parkin lot, eating rice and noodles everyday, going through more pairs of shoes than most go through in a lifetime. More than just a run. It was MORE.

The campaign began when Tommy Danger learned of his friend's son Ethan who was diagnosed with CF. He knew that the lack of awareness this disease gets would do nothing to help find a cure. Cures are only found through awareness. Because without awareness, there is no movement. No movement means no funding, no research, which means no cure.

Through his 3200 mile run, he amassed a following of over 5000 people on his Facebook page alone. Thousands have been reached and touched by his commitment to this disease, myself included.

Its people like Tommy and Timothy and the rest of the MTJM family that brings hope to so many suffering far greater than I am with CF. My life with CF has NOT been pretty - but it was better than many. Growing up I was always healthy - a runner, an athlete, never sick. It wasnt until the last ten years or so my CF was even a true issue. Obviously a lot went on the last few years, but all that has lead me to this moment. One where I can make a stand with people like Tommy Danger, Timothy Ettridge, Cassie Snyder, Brent Snyder, Tori Simpson, Deanna Silva, Michael Silva, Carlton Clippard, Joshua Teague, Morgan Gridstaff, Karen Pollina, John Pollina, Ed Bono, and so many others affected by CF. People from a half-dozen states (including fom my HOME - North Carolina!! -gotta love these people-) converged on Daytona and it was incredible. We came together on Daytona Beach and stood together for those of us who are no longer with us, those who weren't able to come fordifferent reasons, and those who have yet to learn about CF.

Throughout the last 6 or so months, MTJM has raised of $10,000 for CF. And that is just the beginning. The real testament to this story is the awareness that has come from it all. Thousands across the WORLD have followed along, supported, and shared this journey. This campaign has sparked so much MORE - I mean would it be anything different with a name like More Than Just Miles? From this journey a new campaign is in the works - More Than Just Mountains. Tommy and a few others will be hitting the summits of 7 of the worlds highest peaks including Kilamanjaro and Everest. All in the name of CF. MTJM is also expanding into a non-profit who will carry the torch for awareness for multiple causes, other than just CF. More Than Just Me will bring to light causes that desperately need awareness. And I am so excited for the things that will come of it.

I hope you all will take some time to check them out. These guys are the real deal and I promise you, you will be in awe of their compassion and commitment. Get involved with them - volunteer your time or talents. Give of your resources  - whatever they may be, and follow along and lend your support and encouragement. MTJM is on the brink of big things - and I am so stoked to be even a small part of it.

Pictures below are just a few from the finish party. Enjoy!

Check out More Than Just Miles::

on Facebook: www.facebook.com/morethanjustmiles
on Twitter: www.twitter.com/morthanjstmiles
on Instagram: www.instagram.com/MTJME
online: www.mtjm.org

 

 

  
 

BIG LOVE TO ALL MY CF FAMILY.


Erin

SIX MONTHS....

So its been a while since my last post and I apologize. But I mean come on -- did you really think I was gonna be sitting around my computer when I can get out and LIVE now?

Unlikely.

Don't worry though peeps, I haven't forgotten you. With that in mind I invite you to celebrate with me

SIX MONTHS POST TRANSPLANT.

Yup, that's where I am at today. I honestly forgot about it. My six month anniversary was actually yesterday. But me being the incredibly busy and oh-so-important person that I am was too busy to think about it. Then when I remembered I felt like a total shmuck. *SIGH*

How in the WORLD did I not even think about that yesterday? I thought about it a few days ago. So why in the world that on the DAY that marked 6 months on a completely new life did I go the entire day without even mentioning it or anything?? Geez...

Oh well, nothing I can do about that now. Other than celebrate it today, and I think that'll work. I mean I was TECHNICALLY not breathing on my own until the first anyway...sooo yeah, we'll go with that.

But I digress.

So, you may have seen if you follow me on FB that 2 weeks ago I had my 6 month follow up appointment at Mayo. I was honestly terrified. It have been three months since my last bronch, xray, PFT, etc. But, luckily, after all the usual mess, plus an MRI of the abdomen (checkin on my liver), everything came back and I am HEALTHY AS A HORSE!! :) Blood work looked great, Xrays were clear, MRI of the liver showed no change, PFTs were up to 111% and my bronch showed NO INFECTION and NO REJECTION!!

Relief...sweet relief.

I mean, I do a lot of vital stat taking, monitoring of my spirometry levels and such everyday. Plus blood work once a month. So you'd think that if there was anything going on I would have a vague inclination right? Well, that's the idea with all that monitoring atleast, but I mean lets be honest - I'm freaking paranoid, and not exactly the most optimistic person in the world. In short -

I'm waitin on the hammer to fall. For the shit to hit the fan. For everything to go to hell in a hand bag....whatever little phrase you associate with everything falling swiftly and completely to crap.

I try not to. And usually I do a decent job. But atleast once a day I feel a little pain in my back or chest, have a tickle in my throat or just feel odd. Aparently these things are all normal and a part of the healing process. But still. I don't like it. It freaks me out and I immediately wanna go to the doctor and have them do a full work up to make sure I'm ok.

I am a basket case, I swear.

But that's just part of this I guess...and I knew it would be. And trust me, I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. Just something else to get used to I reckon.

Aside from all that though, things are going pretty smoothly. I am workin on getting ready for my very first 5K race in over 10 years. Yup that is happening like next week. Needless to say I will likely be WALKING most of that, but I mean hey - walking 3.1 miles is HUGE compared to what I was able to do...which was little more than a walk to the bathroom. So, I'll take it.

I am also planning on 2 more 5Ks this year (maybe more, who knows) -- one in April, one sometime in the fall. So I am hoping that by the last one of this year I will be running most if not all of it -- and not like a pathetic run. Like a semi-respectable run.We shall see I guess...

I'd like to take this opporutnity to send up a big THANK YOU to my donor. Thank you so much for taking such good care of these bad boys. They are amazing. My life is amazing. I am so glad you were my donor -- whoever you are...

So here's to a new year, new lungs, new health and new adventures..... I'm ready. BRING IT ON. :)


 

Hello 2013

Well, its official. 2013 is well on its way, and so far - I'm pretty stoked those Mayans didn't know what they were talking about. Overrated stargazers...




Anyway, I digress.

Lets start by acknowledging that 12/31/12 was officially FIVE MONTHS POST TRANSPLANT. Five months people. Every month that goes by I still find myself amazed this has happened - and even more that the transplant has come and gone and I am now moving on in my life, healthy and breathing easy! Incredible. And made the need for celebration even more important this year!

NYE was a great, but honestly pretty low key. We started the night eating at the super fancy and romantic Waffle House for dinner - and were able to acquire our hats for the evening! 4 Eggs and triple hashbrowns later (my order, not both of ours...yeah I know), we were ready for the night!













Before joining friends to ring in
2013, we stopped by one of the many fireworks tents that always pop up this time of year and around July 4th. We loaded up with the "Excalibur" which was the baddest of all the LEGIT fireworks they had. Seriously, that's just another reason to love FL - no crossing state lines to get fireworks that amount to little more than noisy, ground spinning sparklers and bottle rockets. And no shooting them off as quickly as possible before sprinting back inside or diving behind bushes as to dodge the po po, feeling more like a crook than someone just excited about another year beginning!






At any rate, we decided to go for the baddest firework package cause we wanted a serious celebration after all we've been through this year. I could not WAIT to let these bad boys fly. Finally we made it over to our friends, Tony and Rosie's, for a little midnight firework extravaganza! Lemme tell you - Excalibur did not disappoint. We drew neighbors out of their homes and away from their sad little bottle rockets and other silly "fireworks". As our fireworks were clearly the most impressive, I was pretty excited to show off our selection. Seriously folks - best home fireworks display ever.




















The next day - 1/1/13 - was filled with cleaning and takin down Christmas decorations. Getting 2013 off on the right foot so to speak! That afternoon we headed back to Tonys to help cheer on his beloved Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl. :( Sorry Tony.





Afterwards came our 2nd annual New Years dinner - the Turkish Taylor New Years dinner to be specific. This arose out of Chris' insistence that we participate in the superstition in which we eat black eyes peas and cabbage on New Years to ensure "health and wealth" in the coming year, and my refusal to eat either as the mere thought of them sends an immediate gagging reflex through me. In order to satisfy both our desires, I went in search of alternatives that utilized both ingredients but in an unusual way. Thus the Turkish Taylor New Years dinner was born. I created a Turkish black eyed pea salad, pickled red onions and pickled red cabbage served with jasmine rice and a Turkish spice blended chicken breast. Everything is sooo good, albeit pretty time consuming. But hey, Chris got what he wanted and I learned a new method of cooking. Win - Win. And since last year was the first time we did this and well, health wise and I am doin pretty fantastic at the moment .... Well needless to say I was much more willing to embrace this as a new tradition for us this year! Double Win.





So right now I am super excited for what 2013 will bring to our lives. Lots of "life decisions" being discussed and thought about and prayed bout. So please if you would, aside from my usual request for prayers against rejection and infection, please pray for "closed doors" for us. Yup, you heard that right. Closed doors. In other words, that God will direct our decisions by putting up road blocks at decisions that aren't keeping with His plan for us. It's always hard to pray for that, but that's what I ask of you.

Chris and I want to again thank you all for everything this year. Your love and support has meant everything to us. Thanks for sticking with us these last five months. We are so excited for the next chapter in our lives - a chapter full of possibilities and uncertainties, but most of all - LIFE. We love you all and wish nothing but the BEST for you all in 2013!


Much love...xoxo


Erin

Holidays, Lexington BBQ, and Bike Rides

Whew. I am exhausted. The last week as been possibly the most amazing in recent memory. I'll back track a little and fill you all in incase you somehow missed my daily FB updates.

The Christmas "weekend" I guess you could say started off with a veerrrryyy long drive -alone- all the way from Orlando to Albemarle, NC starting on Thursday and finally arriving on Friday. I cannot begin to tell you how awesome it was to get back to NC - despite the cold weather, which I generally LOATHE. This year though, thanks to a little extra padding (up another 2 lbs this week to an whopping 144 lbs) and lungs that aren't in complete AGONY, I actually *almost* enjoyed the cold. It was so nice to be able to be in the cold and still be able to enjoy myself. Thankfully it wasn't a "wet" cold or I doubt I would be feelin the same love.

That weekend started with a Christmas party with the best group of women I know. We have been talkin about this party for well over two months now and we had hyped that crap up so high that most people wouldn't even be able to come close to fulfilling the expectations.

We aren't most people.

Our Christmas party was an evening of food, dirty Santa (sometimes a little toooo dirty lol) and wine and incredible You Tube videos. Oh and wine. And ridiculous stories. And did I mention wine? Yeah there was wine. For some, too much wine ;)

Late into the week our Christmas party somehow transformed into a "onesie" party or an adult footed pajama party is that helps you envisions this spectacle. Think 7 grown women sittin around in full sized onesies. It was a pretty amazing sight. My husband isn't the biggest fan of the onesie but honestly that's just too bad. That thing is amazing, and I love it. I tried to wear it to church that Sunday but he sorta put the kabash on that one.




Yup. That's happening




Gangster onesies




Things starting to digress...




Foxy ladies








"She Ratchet"

Have I mentioned how much I freakin LOVE these women!? Gah, I have missed them.

The next day was FamJam time. Each year my entire family (Phillips side) gets together for Christmas at Uwharrie Point/Old North State Country Club for our Christmas get together. This year my parents, sisters, and their husbands/babies got out there earlier than usual to get family pictures made. It was the first time we had ALL been together since our latest member - Miss Shelby - had arrived and it was the first time we were all together since my transplant. We haven't seen the pics yet, but big thanks to Joseph Sides and Andrea Harris from Connection Photography for comin all the way out and dealing with our CRA-ZY family. It was such a special thing for us to be able to do and I know there are some awesome pics in there! We can't wait to see them!

Once the rest of the family arrived it was the usual - football, tons of food, catching up and presents. It was so good to see everyone and watch my babies play together. The only ones missing were my cousin Braxton and his wife Katherine. She *was* pregnant and was unable to be that far away from her Dr. Turns out it was the right thing! Mr. Holden Sherwood Wall was born just a few days later -- Christmas Day!! So we welcomed another "Santa Baby" into the fam. He is so precious and I HATE SO MUCH the he decided to make his debut literally like 2 hours after Chris and I headed home!!




Mylee & Mabree




Nap time!




Momma and Shelby




Playin Santa's sleigh...yeah I was Rudolph.




Outside - bravin the cold weather.




Me and Monkee




Dr Mylee




Sweet girls...




Holden Sherwood Wall born Dec 25, 2012 -- so handsome!

The rest of the weekend was spent with friends and more family. Christmas Eve we traveled the hour to Lexington for my **favorite** LEXINGTON BBQ! People, this is serious. I know everyone has their idea of what constitutes BBQ - even more so GOOD BBQ. But let me just tell you. This is the real deal folks. Lexington BBQ is famous and rightly so. It's the best - vinegar based, super moist and I mean man - Just freakin amazing. And don't forget about the hush puppies. Ohhhh the hush puppies. So, so good. You know how hush puppies got their name? Apparently some lady had a yappy dog and she made a batch of these little babies. She would say "hush puppy!" and to reward him she would give him one. Or atleast I heard that somewhere. Not sure it's true but let's pretend it is.




Oh yes.




Pig skin love people...it's. beautiful thing.




Family friends (the "kids") -all grown up- at the Spencer's house Sunday evening.

Christmas morning rolled around and it was so awesome to be able to see BOTH our families on Christmas Day. Something that we haven't done in about 5 years. We opened presents and had breakfast at my parents house, then headed to Charleston, SC to spend the rest of the day with Chris' family. I wish we had had another couple days off to spend more time in Charleston, but atleast ALL of Chris' family was able to meet in Charleston. It's been years since that's happened too! My two oldest nieces, Elizabeth and Abigail, have gotten WAY to big. I mean its seriously stressing me. Elizabeth (EJ) is in HIGH SCHOOL and is as big as me. I remember when she was barely a year old (when Chris and I first started dating). I can't believe how old she is. It's makin Chris and I feel really old. And sweet Abigail is such a cutie and is SEVEN. It's killin me. I was there the day she was born. *sigh*



Cannot remember what was so funny, but does it matter? This picture is hilarious!




Sister in law Ashley and her new FIANCÉ Josh! :)




Our first baby Abby, the boarder collie/pit bull mix. She is not a puppy anymore lol!

Getting back home to Orlando was sad at first, but I am glad to be home. Visited with my sister and her in laws yesterday which is always entertaining (lol) and was able to spend a little time with my girl Mabree which is always a good time :)




Live music at Ella's in Tampa...




To more live music (and some dancing haha) at O'Briens...




To interesting gift card purchases at Pier 1 the next morning haha

Cut to today. Sunday Funday at its finest. Chris and I spent the morning at the Lake Eola farmers market in downtown Orlando, then headed over to Wall Street Cantina to watch our beloved Panthers beat the Saints (albeit still making us slightly bonkers with their inconsistency). After that we stopped by Orange Trail in Oakland a few minutes from our house. We rented bikes and took an hour long bike ride - my first true bike ride in FIFTEEN years (maybe longer honestly). It was awesome. My legs are killin me, but my lungs? AHH-MAZING. I mean it was crazy! One full hour of biking, up hills and a little off roading (not my idea to say the least) and I was barely breathing hard! I think I'm gonna hafta buy a bike. I'm sorta hooked I think. :)




Relieving stress with an odd photo shoot while watchin the Carolina Panthers.




And again...




Bike:30




I think he thinks its cold out...

Well. There ya go. All caught up. I can't believe 2012 is all but over. I'm tellin you, this has been a crazy year. An incredible year, but awesome. This has been the BEST holiday I have had in so long I can't even remember one ever being this good. Friends, family, new babies, havin the ENERGY to enjoy it all, NO IVS, and NO HOSPITAL. I can't barely believe this is my life now. Absolutely a miracle. I am so thankful I have been able to celebrate this new life - this amazing miracle of rebirth and faith and grace - at the same time we are celebrating the GREATEST MIRACLE - the birth of the One who gives us this grace, who provides for us in our faith in Him. Jesus is the reason for the season and lemme tell you, this has NEVER been clearer, or more significant, to me as it has been this year. He has absolutely delivered me and my family from the Hell we were in and I could not be more grateful. God is so good people.

With this amazing sense of thankfulness comes an immense sense of sadness - I guess that's the right word. It's hard to completely reconcile the feelings that come along with transplant sometimes. Most of the time I'm so happy, so overwhelmed and literally shocked by what I am physically capable of, that I don't dwell on EXACTLY what had to transpire to get me to where I am today. But atleast once a day, even if its just for a brief moment, I remember. Sometimes I am just grateful, sometimes I have a twinge of guilt. Sometimes - like at the holidays - I'm overwhelmed with a sadness and guilt I can barely explain. Its not constant thankfully, usually something I think of late at night when Im layin in bed or by myself in my car. When things are quiet and calm and I dont have the benefit of any great distractions. I don't know why God spared my life at, what sometimes feels like, the expense of another. How is it fair that I have spent the last five months feeling so amazing and getting to experience such an amazing new life, while someone else had to die for that to happen? I realize that (hopefully) the young man who died to give me life is celebrating in a way COMPLETELY UNFATHOMABLE to me in Heaven this year. I don't know where his heart was on that front, but I pray that someone who could give this gift to someone would have Jesus in his heart. I don't worry about that for the most part. Nothing can be done now if that wasn't the case. But I do worry for his family. Who had to spend this first Christmas without someone they loved. Who was acutely aware of his absence on Christmas morning when his empty stocking hung by the others filled with all kinds of things and who's seat remained empty at Christmas dinner. I pray that while there was sadness and loss this year, that there was also a sense of peace that could only be given to them by Jesus and the promise we celebrate this season - the coming of our Savior.

I hafta write a letter to the family of my donor soon. I've honestly been putting it off because, well I haven't had the words. What do you say to a donor family to explain the significance of what their loved one has done for you? How are there ever the right words to give them the peace, closure and assurance that what was done with their loved one's body was the right choice? Organ donation isn't for everyone. I know that. I can only hope the family was ok with his decision. And if they weren't, that whatever words I can find to express what his decision has meant to me will help them find a peace with it. I'd hate to think that there were people out there who regretted that decision, who felt some sort of animosity towards organ donation - or to me as the recipient - because of what happened. I have put it off for as long as I can. I wanted to do it sooner, but like I said - no words. Now I regret I didn't do it earlier. I can't help feeling like my letter may have been a source of peace for them at the holidays. Then again, maybe not. Maybe it would have been too much. I just hope that my procrastination on the letter was the right move. And that when I do write it that my words are Heaven sent and are what they need to hear, whatever it is. So throw up a couple prayers for me on that one if you don't mind. I hope to get it written and sent in the next few weeks.

Again, and as always, thanks for indulging me tonight. I know this was a long one, so thanks for hanging in there! I hope you all have had an amazing holiday season so far. The New Year is literally hours away. I can't wait to see what 2013 has in store! Love to you all -- thanks for being a part if Chris and I's life. You all have had such a huge impact in our life and each one of you has helped us in so many ways. We pray for you all everyday and thank God for everything and everyone he has put in our path. You have all made such a difference to us.

xoxoxo and Much love...
Erin