One Year Later

Well, today is the day.

One year - how INSANE IS THAT?

Today I spent a lot of time going over this day one year ago. I've been reading over my posts from this moment and through my initial hospitalization and subsequent discharge. The transformation in the life that took place at that time and is chronicled through those posts is INSANITY. The 180 degree shift was over and done so quick that if I hadn't committed to this blog, I think I'd hardly remember anything at all from it a year later!

So many beautiful notes and texts, calls and messages have been sent my way today. I realized quickly that Im not the only one celebrating this day - which honestly floors me. My support system through this has been like none other, and nothing like I ever anticipated.

Let's be honest - I've never been the easiest person to get along with, much less LIKE, so the fact that so many people care is just nuts to me.

But man am I grateful. More than you'll ever know - more than I'll ever be able to express.

I'm a little emotionally drained for today. Turns out this much love is exhausting :)

This wont be a long post for those reasons, but I do want to say this::

God is amazing. He truly is. If you don't believe so, take sometime and re-read this blog from start to finish. If you don't truly come away in complete awe of my Jesus than, well Im not sure what to say. Sorry, but its true. This blog started as a way to keep friends and family in the loop. Something I honestly did out of laziness - I didn't want to have to repeat myself to everyone. How pathetic is that? But it has become so much more than a blog about ME and what I have gone through. Cause lets be clear - none of this was EVER ABOUT ME. It was always - always - about Him. About showing the world that He is faithful to those who put their faith in Him. That He will show up BIG and BEAUTIFUL in the most epic and perfect way, EVERY TIME. You don't have to be perfect - cause man, He KNOWS how incredibly UNPERFECT I am - always have been. I have always been a far cry from someone you would refer to as a "good example". But that right there proves my point. He doesn't pick and choose based on deeds, or money, or who YOU THINK you are. He is faithful because of LOVE. An unconditional, die-for-you, all about you kinda LOVE. And if HE IS FOR US WHO CAN BE AGAINST US? Nobody and nothing. Not pain or disease - He will deliver you from that in the most precious and intense way possible. Cause He is who He is. The great I AM.

BOOM BABY. I freakin love this mess.

Its a hard thing to get your mind wrapped around. One person dies, one lives because he died. Joy and pain. You can't have one without the other it seems. But in the great, big, beautiful, eternal story - it all comes out Joy. For me and for my donor. For my family and his. He may not know it - his family may not know it yet - but this story, these choices, these lives...they have both been gearing up for is moment. To be able to use us both, that our lives are intertwined forever and both point directly to Him.

Aren't the parallels here crazy? There are tons of parallels in the Bible that point to someone's sacrifice for someone else out of love. Never in such an eternal way as Jesus' sacrifice for us but you can see it can't you? This man died - not FOR ME necessarily. I mean we don't know each other. He would have never been able to guess who was saved because of him. But because he chose organ donation, one selfless choice - he saved my life. My life here in Earth has been given a second chance because of the person he was and what he knew to be the right thing. Because he wanted to be a change for someone. He was certainly a change for me. He saved my human life. And because he did, I can tell you know that he also saved my eternal life. Cause there is no better way to figure out where your heart really lies than to give your self and your life over to Jesus and let him take over the arrangements. He used this man and his kind heart to change mine. And to both - ill never be more grateful.

A story like ours can only be possible because of a God like Him. It's too perfect, even through the pain and the heartache, to be conceived by anyone but Jesus. Man isn't that smart or creative to construct such an overwhelming story. We just aren't. We are frivolous, silly humans barely capable of doing more than eating, sleeping, and wanting more than we deserve. None of us have the capacity to create in LOVE like this. And my donor and I are no one special. There have been thousands - MILLIONS - of stories like ours through history. Jesus does WORK. With even the least of us. Believe me.

Well, that's prolly gonna hafta be it for now. One year down - here's to many more to come. Thank you Jesus. Take care of my friend up there.

BIG LOVE XOXO

E

Sore...tired of being sore.

Ugh...ever feel like you'll never not be sore again? Yeah, startin to feel that way over here.

Past week I've been tryin to cut back on the amount of pain meds I've been taking. Well, I'm beginning to think that may have been slightly premature. As these muscles and nerves that were sliced and diced grow back together and heal, a lot of the numbness around my chest and back has gone away. Great right? I've been wanting it to go away for weeks now -- its a gross, weird feeling to be numb around your body...just Ughhhh -- but now in its place is a lot of discomfort. Not so much PAIN, but discomfort. It makes for very uncomfortable sleep and puts me in a less than stellar mood to say the least. Also the last 4-5 days, I have been experiencing quite a bit of pain in my right shoulder. Like significant pain. The kind that catches your breath and makes you holler in pain for about 2-3 straight minutes. It feels like a muscle is getting "caught" or something and then this searing pain follows until I can sorta "work it out." I was at rehab this morning and told them about it. Another rehaber (I guess thats what you can call us) spoke up and she was having the exact same pain in one of her shoulders. I asked her what she was doing about it and it turns out she a rotary cuff tear that she got during her transplant surgery!! They had done an MRI and found it last week and shes meeting a doctor tomorrow to figure out what they are going to do about it.

Seriously? I swear, if through all this I end up having a rotary cuff tear...heads will roll.

So needless to say my physical therapist is very concerned and all upper body work outs have been suspended until I can meet with my doctors to figure out if I also have a rotary cuff tear. Ugh. Luckily I meet with him tomorrow, so HOPEFULLY we'll figure out what's up and HOPEFULLY it will NOT be a rotary cuff tear. I have no idea what they do for something like that, but it sounds like surgery to me, and quite honestly I've had all the surgery I'd like to have for a while!! So fingers crossed and prayers goin up that its something small and manageable.

Rotary tear. Bless it. **SIGH**

Other than the soreness, things are going pretty good down here. I have blood work and chest xrays and stuff tomorrow and its gonna be a loooong day I have a feeling. No bronch till next week though. Honestly, waiting that long between bronchs (it'll be two weeks) makes me a little nervous. I feel like thats too long and that something is going to happen that won't be caught until its too late. I know that if there was any cause for concern I would probably feel it, but I can't seem to shake the nervousness and the dread of waiting for two weeks to possibly have them tell me I'm in full blown rejection or something. I trust these doctors completely to know what they are doing, and trusting God that everything is going to work out, but its still hard. And giving myself peptalks everyday is frustrating, and honestly I don't even believe myself. So sorta useless sometimes. I don't handle stress well to say the least and this is SERIOSULY creating an increase in Xanax usage. I think I'll feel better once my next bronch is here - atleast if it gets here and everything is good. Otherwise I might have a nervous breakdown. Just thinking about it right now has started making me sweat.

MOVING ON.

Tomorrow is Chris' 30TH BIRTHDAY! We are planning to just have a few people over to hang out by the pool and grill out. I say a few people cause its a weekday and we only know about 3 other people here in Jax. I wish I could do more to make it a bigger deal, but Chris isn't exactly thrilled with the prospect of turning thirty so maybe its for the better. He's been findin some gray hairs lately - all I am sure cause by me. (Sorry babe!) We have plans to go to a concert on Thursday just the two of us at the Jacksonville Theater. A family friend of ours works with the artist and has gotten us free tickets to go so I am excited about that. I've never really heard Chris Isaak before and am not familiar with his music, but I hear he puts on a great show and itll be fun just to have a date night and do something a little different. And its even better cause its FREE which is pretty much the only way we are doin anything these days!! So big thanks to Kristin Sauter for the chance to have a great night out!! :)

I've been approached by a few people who are putting on fundraisers for Chris and I in the next few weeks and I just wanted to say that Chris and I are so overwhelmed by the support we continue to get from our friends, family - even people we have never met. Going through something like ths is so stressful and demanding on your emotions, your mind and especially your wallet. I can't thank these people enough for putting together these events, and thank each and every one of you who have committed to participating. Having so many people offer their time and resources has meant so much to us. I honestly wish this wasn't something that needed to be done. But please know that we don't take the sacrifice and generosity you all have made on our behalf lightly.

This entire experience has been an eye-opening one for me. I am not one to usually TAKE things. I'm very independent. Don't like to ask for help. I guess its a pride thing, also a control thing (read back through the posts if you missed my rant about my control issues..they are real and extreme). From the get go, I've been forced to take and recieve...my new lungs for starters. My survival hinged (and still does) on these donor lungs. Without this young man I might not be here right now. If nothing else, I'd still be circling the drain. Without the love and support from so many friends and family we would not have been able to make it through the last few weeks. I've been told numerous times that I need to accept help more graciously and easily. So, I'm working on that. I've sorta been forced into it really. But please know that while I may not be thrilled with the IDEA of having to accept so much help, it has meant more to me than you will ever know. I still wish I could refuse it all, take care of it all myself and just go about my day...but I'm learning to recieve with an open heart. And it has been such a blessing. Being able to take some of those things off my shoulders has been so important to my recovery. My stress level is SO high as I go through this, and knowing that I have such an INCREDIBLE support system has kept me able to heal and focus on taking care of myself. Without so much love I know that I would not be at the level of health and success that I am currently at in my recovery. Thanks will never be enough to everyone...

Well...thats all for now I think. Maybe next time I'll have something a little more entertaining to post. Until then...take care :)

Much love...

Erin